Tomorrow marks three years since my dad passed away and also one of my sisters birthdays. It’s kind of heartwarming how so many special days are associated with my dad. There’s so much that has changed for me in these past three years, and I think the last year has had the most changes. Maybe even the last few months. They’re not bad things, in fact, they’re all good.
I feel like I spent the first year following his death in kind of a state of confusion and trying to find myself again. Almost like starting over from scratch. A rebirth in a way. I am grateful in that I was able to accept losing him fairly quickly. Which is in part due to how he was and the things he taught me in life. But it’s almost like I needed to change certain aspects of myself and life to move forward with the change of him gone.
The second year I was pregnant so who knows what was what. It was just a voided year. Haha.
The last year has been one where I’ve dealt with a lot of like I know what I need to do, but how. A lot of problem solving. I decided to quit running away from conflict like I always did. In just the most recent months, many of the issues I couldn’t figure out individually, all fit in as a whole. Basically in the fact that I have had to accept that people will not change unless they want to do it. Some people have an incredible knack at sucking the heart and soul right out of you, and I think, unfortunately, everyone knows someone like that. Losing my dad made me realize that life is short and it’s not worth it to be pulled down by those types of people.
I think coming to the realization that I need to and can be happy without anyone making me that way, has been one of the greatest realizations in my life. I don’t need my kids to behave a certain way to make me happy, I don’t need everyone around me happy to be happy. I don’t need people complimenting me, I don’t need anyone to make me feel special, or be the one to lift me up, although we all could use that sometime, but its me. Maybe it’s just me who needs to be happy and deal with life’s ups and downs for what they are. Moments in time. Someone treats you like crap? Tough, that’s on them and their insecurities, not you. Keep your heart happy and know that’s not your worth. Never ever ever let someone try dictate your worth.
I’ve found myself initiating and holding conversation with strangers, friends, and acquaintances. I don’t duck to avoid people I know in public, but try say hi and smile. I know all too well what it feels like for people to avoid your eye and pretend you’re not there in front of them. I know it’s also probably not me but just they don’t want to converse or whatever reason. You know how much better your life goes when you just smile at people in passing? One small step for creating your happiness from within. It’s all on you.
I try save money on coffee, like I’ve mentioned, by making it at home here and there. But besides the actual getting of coffee, I love going out just to be around people. Literally. It’s so hard to just stay home all day. I love going out, I love driving, I love coffee. So that makes my mornings always happy. I sometimes think how opposite i am of the memes I’ve been seeing a lot of nowadays. They’re all about avoiding people, staying home, being depressed, eating garbage food, sleeping, and hating everyone. Like seriously. I hope they’re all jokes, but the comments seem a little too real.
Thinking back over who I was before and after my dads passing is fairly different. I know I’ve mentioned before how being kind to others has become a much larger practice in my life. I had read recently somewhere that when you lose someone who meant so much to you, you adopt the thing you loved most about them and carry that on. It’s crazy accurate.
I’ve always heard I’m a lot like my dad over the past decade. To a certain aspect, I agree. A few of my siblings and I got his demeanor while others are more like my mom, but we probably all have traits of each. But the one thing I miss most about him is how he was always there for me, never judged me or criticized me or diminished anything I said. And that is what I’ve been trying to be. To anyone in my life. I’m there for them. The more I work on it, the easier it gets. Someone close said it seems like I’m just everyone’s therapist, and isn’t that hard on me.
The thing is, it’s not. I like to help people with their problems, I really do. I don’t take them deep to heart and feel stressed with them. I like to help them figure it out.
I’m in a place where I can put myself in a lot of different shoes and know that everybody needs a friend and kindness. It’s like, I’ve always known that, but once you’ve firsthand lived through different types of difficult situations, it’s a whole new ballpark.
There’s definitely a little piece of my heart that’s forever gone with my dad. There’s just no getting around that. But I’m working double time to make up for the part that will forever be empty. If I can make another part of my heart doubled, life will be just fine.
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